“I Wanted The Ground to Open Up and Suck Me In.”

When I was a teenager I had a diary, like most other girls of my age. It was way before the internet, thankfully, you’ll know why as you read on. Everyone seemed to have one, you’d hide it away and hope your parents never found it when they were cleaning your room.

I wrote all my inner thoughts, mainly about the boys that I liked, if they had spoken to me or if I had kissed them. It was a place where I felt safe to write what I was thinking. Reading them back a while ago really made me laugh. I got so excited if a boy I liked talked to me and would change my mind on who I liked so often!

All my friends had diaries, so when one of my new friends asked me to sleepover and to bring my diary so we could read them to each other, I said yes. Especially as she had an older brother who I thought was hot. Although I think most older boys seemed cooler than the boys my own age.

We read our diaries to each other and went to bed. I must have totally forgotten about my diary when I left the next day, which I can’t believe as it would have been so precious. I probably got distracted by the older brother! I went to the park where everyone would hang out. The boys we hung around with were being a bit weird and I couldn’t understand why.

Then I found out that my so-called new friend had taken my diary and let all the boys read it. I couldn't believe it, I was in total shock! Remembering everything that I had written about some of the boys made me feel so sick. This is a teenager's worst nightmare! I’m glad there wasn’t social media, can you image it being plastered all over the internet, it actually makes me feel sick now thinking about it. Why would a friend do that, why would she think it’s ok to show everyone my inner thoughts, why would she show the boys who I had written about and named? Why would she be so mean? I never found out why, but we weren't friends for much longer.

All the boys knew everything I had written about them, and I was horrified. One boy questioned me as I said that I didn't think he was a great kisser, which was just so awkward. I wrote how much I loved another boy who treated me badly when we went out together and now he could read everything I had written about him. It was just such an awful experience. Even as I write this I have tears in my eyes, feeling the pain that my younger self went through. No one deserves that, I bet she never even felt sorry or thought about it again. She stopped hanging around with us but the boys spoke about it for ages and I never lived it down really. I didn't write in a diary for a long time after.

Now would you believe it if I said, something like that happening to you can cause you to hold yourself back as an adult?

It definitely can and it did. It caused fear of judgement and not wanting to speak up or be visible on social media in business when I first started. It was my subconscious mind protecting me from being hurt, so I really held myself back until I got to the bottom of it and realised it was safe for me to be visible. Experiences in our lives can really affect us without us even knowing.

Did anything like this happen to you?

Love, Lisa x